Connection Tools for Couples
If you are struggling in your relationship, it can be difficult to work through these struggles without a neutral third party such as a therapist. However, here are some tools to help you get started. This article is intended for couples who are not experiencing any form of abuse.
From an Emotion Focused Therapy perspective, the route of relationship troubles is disconnection. I am therefore going to focus here on tools that may help you reconnect.
1. Identify your negative cycle/pattern. Couples over time develop a specific and repetitive way of relating to each other especially in conflict. We call this their negative cycle or dance.
The 3 most common negative cycles are:
pursue/withdraw : one partner is looking to have their connection needs met by pursuing the other partner which can show up as anger, criticism, anxiety etc. while the other partner pulls away or shuts down, reinforcing the dance.
withdraw/withdraw: both partners have pulled away or shut down from the relationship…they don’t necessarily argue or fight but there is no closeness either. There is a complete lack of engagement.
attack/attack: Likely having started as a pursue/withdraw cycle, the more avoidant partner may now be fighting back and defending themself resulting in a tossing the ball back and forth and back and forth.
Our cycles are informed by our early childhood attachments, our fears, life experiences and the experiences with our current partners. If we can identify our cycle, we can team up with our partner to work our way out of this negative cycle that has taken over.
2. Understand that having conflict in a relationship is normal. The key question here is…are you able to repair after the conflict? Do you revisit what happened when you are in a more calm state and discuss what went wrong? Instead of working to eliminate all conflict, focus on coming back together after to discuss and perhaps apologize for your part in the conflict.
3. Cuddle naked. The skin to skin contact will release Oxytocin “the love hormone” and will naturally allow for connection and bonding.
4. Take risks. It takes courage to reconnect with your partner if you are feeling disconnected. In order to become connected, we must be able to identify and express our underlying fears. This is a very vulnerable process. We may question whether our underlying fears will be well received? If our partner will show up for us when we have been so raw…
For example, perhaps you become upset because your partner continuously leaves their nail clippings on the sink counter when you have asked them numerous times not to do so. What is happening here? What does it mean that your partner leaves their nail clippings on the counter? Yes, on the surface it may appear gross… Perhaps this means to you that they don’t care about your needs? That they are not hearing you? That you are carrying the cleaning load all by yourself?
Accessing the underlying fear is the first step, being able to express this to your partner is the second. Take that risk.
For a more in depth look at the tips I listed here, check out the readings in my resources section or book a consult call with me!
This blog post was written by
Tara McRae MSW RSW
Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist.
Sources
Hold Me Tight - Dr. Sue Johnson
10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy - Julie Gottman, John Gottman, Daniel Siegel
Johnson, S.M., & Brubacher, L. L. (2016). Clarifying the negative cycle in emotionally focused couple therapy (EFT). In G. Weeks, S. Fife, & C. Peterson (Eds.), Techniques for the couple therapist: Essential interventions. (pp.92-96). New York: Routledge.