How to Move Through a Break Up : Experience the least amount of pain possible.
Feeling like garbage after a breakup is a natural experience. We are interdependent beings, wired for connection, who have just had our main attachment figure ripped away. The truth is that you are likely to experience a wide range of emotions while enduring this large life change. I want to offer some information and suggestions that may allow you to move through this difficult time without experiencing more pain than you need to.
There is no “right way” of moving through a breakup. There are many different ways of moving through this difficult time. Especially early on, have some compassion for yourself and what you may find yourself needing in this time. You may find yourself reaching for soothing activities, and though later on it will be important to face the feelings that are coming up for you, it is okay to distract until you feel more ready to do so. Do you need to sleep a lot? That is okay! Do you find yourself ordering a bunch of take-out? That is also okay! Are you distracting yourself with movies and tv? That is okay!
Let your values be your compass. You may be tempted to act out, to get revenge etc. This is very understandable and a natural response to threat and to having one’s attachment figure no longer available. However, do some exploration on the things that really matter to you. What are your core values? Do your best to make decisions based on these values so that you do not regret your actions and decisions later.
Look to create home/safety within yourself. Perhaps for so long you have looked to your partner for your sense of safety/home. Now is the time to shift your focus to creating that relationship with yourself. You can do so by initially naming your emotions, allowing yourself to cry, taking care of yourself as you would a little/younger version of you.
Distraction can be helpful and can also be harmful. If you are distracting from painful emotions sometimes using activities that align with your values, this is great! Distraction can become harmful if we are never allowing ourselves to process the emotions that are coming up, or if we are betraying our values and distracting ourselves with actions that harm us.
Grieve. A breakup can be a time of grief. You may be grieving many things. Not only the relationship itself but the life you once had; the house, the dog, the cat.. or the dream of a life you would have. Perhaps friendships have been lost, or connections to extended family members. Katherine Woodward Thomas in her book Conscious Uncoupling suggests that effective grieving is : “Turn[ing] the love you’ve been giving another toward yourself”.
Make meaning. In time, it may be important to make meaning of what occurred. What was it that led to this breakup? Getting clear on the story that you are telling yourself about what happened is important. If we understand a breakup through a trauma informed perspective, processing the pieces to the story and putting them all into their rightful place so that there is a coherent narrative is important. It may be helpful to explore this with a trained therapist.
Allowing this to be a time for growth. Know that in time, you may start to be able to recognize that a lot of growth can come from times of devastation and turmoil. You may start to be able to reinvent yourself and focus on what you want out of future relationships.
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Sources
This blog post was inspired by many readings related to Emotion Focused Therapy, training in Couples CBT as well as the book “Conscious Uncoupling” by Katherine Woodward Thomas.