My Experience with Panic Disorder and Serendipitous Healing

I wanted to get a little bit personal here today. I feel compelled to share my own experience with panic disorder from about seven years ago. It was only after further training in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) that I realized that I definitely would have met criteria for panic disorder, and that I would have been massively supported had I come across a therapist who was trained in what I was fortunate to learn. My own healing happened rather serendipitously, but involved many of the elements of healing that CBT offers to those suffering from panic disorder. 

I think that in many ways I was primed to develop panic disorder. As I have come to discover through research, I lived many of the predisposing factors to the development of panic disorder. If I had to pinpoint a “beginning” for the sake of this story, to the panic disorder, it would probably be around the time where I was suffering from major digestive issues. I would go to my general practitioner about my digestive issues and she would tell me that this was anxiety and that I was experiencing panic attacks. Of course I felt dismissed and as though she was telling me that it was “all in my head”. I could not believe that this much pain was related to anxiety. This didn’t make sense to me. As I got more and more concerned and felt more and more dismissed, I started getting more stomach pain and severe nausea. I would worry that there was something more to it, that there must be something seriously wrong. Then, my breathing would get shallow, I would get dizzy, I would start to cry, I would call my partner in a panic telling him that I didn’t know what was happening to me and I just wanted it to stop. I was upset that I always had to cancel plans because I felt so awful. And then thoughts would flood in like “why can’t you just manage like everyone else, you are so crazy”. But it didn’t stop there, my legs and arms would go numb, then I felt something was REALLY wrong. This brought me to the emergency room and had me leaving with no more answers than I started with. How could all of these physical symptoms, that were so incredibly painful and awful, really be a panic attack?

It was around this time that I gained the courage to go on a trip with a friend of mine, to a small town in Mexico. While there, we were invited to join in on a Temazcal, an indigenous sweat lodge. We were told that this experience would be challenging, and that the temperatures would sky rocket. We were told that our intention should be to stay for the length of the ceremony, as leaving was considered spiritually disrespectful. I remember asking the guide “what if I feel I am going to vomit from the heat?” “then you vomit from the heat” he said. I spent the day in and out of bed anxiously anticipating this experience. Here is what I wrote down the next day:

“ Last night we were invited to spend some time in a Temazcal which reached the temperature of 180 degrees Celsius. I spent the day leading up to this in paralyzing anxiety, but as we prepared for the celebration I felt calm and peaceful, and as if I had been there before. We helped prepare for the celebration, thanking the wind, sun, earth, and water. A group of us entered the “womb” and proceeded through a series of prayers and songs while finding ways to quiet our minds and work through the panic and fear. Though I thought I would experience panic, dizziness and nausea, I experienced much less of this than I do on a daily basis, as I mindfully shook my maraca. Reminder that fear is a powerful presence in my life, something I need to work on letting go of. This was a beautiful experience with a powerful focus on feminine energy and strength.”

As I mentioned, my healing from panic attacks happened rather serendipitously, but what allowed me to heal are very in line with how I support people from healing from panic disorder through CBT. What I learned through the experience in the Temazcal allowed me to start healing. I learned that my fear of my physical symptoms was causing me to experience more panic. I learned that being able to tolerate the anxiety allowed me to move through it without a panic attack. I learned that I could handle my anxiety. I learned to shift my interpretations of my sensations. I was exposed to these sensations in a new way, and I recognised my own strength through this experience. 

Through CBT for panic disorder, I help people to understand that the interpretations of their anxiety sensations are often sending them into a panic attack. That the fear of their sensations is keeping them stuck. I help them to tolerate and even “be with” their anxiety sensations so that they too learn that they can handle it, and that they don’t have to avoid certain situations in order to stay safe.

A final message for you here is, if you have done all the medical tests and nothing is being revealed, perhaps consider that you may be experiencing panic attacks and a fear of panic attacks and potentially panic disorder. And consider the fact that this is good news. This is highly treatable and you can find relief.